"The Messianic Mission" - Overview
I have felt reluctance talking about my psychotic episodes, mostly out of shame, embarrassment and fear of judgement. Please understand that it is very emotionally challenging and slightly traumatic for me to recall all this stuff, so I am exposing my vulnerability like a cat lying on its back. In love I trust that you will accept my sincerity and my journey. The truth is the truth, and each time the driving force behind each episode was the charged desire to spread truth and topple evil. I just didn't have all the knowledge or health to do it right without toppling over myself in the process. This was due to me not having resolved my own evil/darkness quite enough, so a lot of the dark forces that I thought I was fighting externally were actually aspects of my own shadow. Not all of them, but some of them. Unless you take into account that we are all one consciousness, then it was all my own darkness. Oh well, here's to the third time being a charm. I realize that I am making myself vulnerable sharing this stuff, and I am scared, but true courage is not the absence of fear, but the act of doing what is right in the face of fear.
The truth is that there is something very wrong with the world, I have felt it my whole life, like a splinter in my mind. It is the lost sacred feminine component of care. Care for other humans, animals, and all of the kingdoms of creation. It is lost, but not completely forgotten. And I take it upon myself to fight people's amnesia, cognitive dissonance and ignore-ance of moral truth and correct themselves before karma corrects them.
I wouldn't be talking about this stuff if I didn't understand and live it myself. The fact that I am understanding and living it, and my human family doesn't for the most part, means that I have a moral responsibility to give them the slap of truth that they are so desperately asking for. I'd rather not put myself out in public against all this shit, it would be much more comfortable for me to just keep doing my own “spiritual thing” and let the world run itself deeper and deeper into its own personal hell, but what kind of a coward would that make me?
Even If I topple again, I will keep getting back up and fighting so long as there is breath in me, fighting for what is right and true. There is nothing else for me to do here, nothing else that creation is charging me to do. Nothing else that gives me light, life and drive. Fuck mediocrity, laziness and carelessness. Done with that shit.
The last two times my will to keep fighting was thwarted firstly by the strong drugs that I was violently imbibed with in hospital against my will, then by the realization of how fucked up I was, how traumatized my loved ones were by it all, and how no one wanted to know for the most part. So I thought “fuck you then, I'll claim your sickness benefits and live comfortably doing whatever I want while you keep up your slavery”.
But I'm done eating their crumbs and being impotent. Circumstances have conspired and I have decided to stop milking it and pull my mouth away from the dutty government welfare nipple. Now I need to go out into the world and make a living for myself based on the merit of my own care and action. So it's on again.
I'm back in heat.